Join SAILBOAT

Do you, or do someone you live with suffer from diminished intelligence?

Due to government concerns that the lack of a capable and intelligent workforce in the future and the potential shortfall in taxation due to the high number of slack-jawed yokels claiming benefit, a survey is being taken to assess the problem.

Over the coming weeks, if you have a member of your household who is suffering from an inability to form sentences apart from “You're in front of t' telly!”, “Poofs/Blacks/Muslims/women is wrong!” and “Get me a beer.” They may also have a number of friends or 'mates' who wear synthetic tops with numbers on, or advertise banks that have made you as poor as you are now. Are they unsatisfying in the bedroom, thinking only of themselves? Are they insensitive, boorish or spongelike? Are they possibly made of fat?

If you have someone like this in your home please hang a white flag with a red cross on it outside your home. Our survey will be able to identify how widespread the problem is. If you feel that you or your household members are of particular concern please also tag their car/van.

If they additionally happen to have a penis smaller than 3cm can you instruct them to drive around in their vehicle blowing their horn after a football match win? It will make tracking down these poor wastes of blood and their removal from the gene pool so much easier.

Thank you for your assistance.

SAILBOAT
(Society for the Abolition of Illiterate, Loutish, Bastards Obsessed About Tits)

Anarchy in the UK... again.

I'm panicking! The media have told me to. I'm also completely unable to cope. Apparently. And I live in Zone 1 so have barricaded the doors and booby trapped the lift and the staircase. Just for self-defence. Those pesky protesters wanting to kill me with their peaceful protests!

I hope I live through the night and they don't get a cossack to bomb me!

Exposure

Facebook is something that has made me wince in places. Most of the time it's a useful tool. You're able to communicate what you need and make easy linkages with friends. Sometimes it's more exposing. I've found people often expressing themselves in writing all to hastily to be wise. I've seen friends pop in and out of their relationships with indecent haste and, in many ways like blogging, they've said some pretty revealing things.

This is good, even though my repressed British spirit does say that it's unsettled.

Often it's about a lack of confidence and self-worth. Sometimes I worry that I'm the most confident person I know and whether that makes me less talented, capable, even insightful than people I recognise as being good and talented people who don't bloody realise it. How oxymoronic is that!

I honestly think that the only thing holding back the universe is a voice in our head going "No one likes you! You're no good at that! Don't try it you'll waste your time! Envy! Jealousy!"

Fight it people. You're worth more than you think. In most cases a lot more!

Shake, Rattle and Roll

The ear saga continues...

My hubby has just started taking statins as he has a natural predisposition to high cholesterol. He's also taking antibiotics for his ears together with aspirin and paracetamol for the pain.

So he's rattling.

Or at least that's the noise he's making.

I have heard about his hearing.

And how painful his ears are.

And that it's really painful.

And I am sympathetic.

But if this is going on for 2 months I'm going to go down for manslaughter on the grounds of diminished responsibility.

Bless.

Bang Bang

He shot himself down is not the way the song lyrics go but sadly he did.

My delightful partner decided to clean his ears after a shower, but rather than just do that he put in the cotton buds, wandered around the house, flapping, and then tried to do his hair, having forgotten about his ear cleaning which resulted in him popping an eardrum. Unfortunately his Italian bent caused him to "Mamma Mia" style clasp of the face on either side causing the one he'd left in the other ear to pop that eardrum. To be fair he coped with it in a suprisingly normal manner for him. Panic.

He’s been told they’ll grow back within 2 months and to keep them dry.

I am awaiting a water tank to burst over his head.