The Writing on the Wall

It appears that Ms Zimmer has arrived. Having heard that I was on a mission of mercy she appears to have decided to join me, one hopes to provide support rather than any satanic motive. She also has managed to procure three sets of club class tickets for our return to Blighty. If I didn't know her better I would wonder how a pensioner could afford it but I remember some mention yesterday of pilots losing control over planes on a particular airline which then abated suddenly.

Perhaps I'm too cynical.

She also appears keen on attending the Full Moon Party, something I feel little need to do, apart from mitigate any disasters that may occur due to Miss Zimmer’s presence.

It is possible.

Also my niece is insisting on attending. She so reminds me of my Great Grandmother in her stubbornness. I still remembering that she believed you could cure Syphilis by rubbing the affected area with Borax and a Brillo pad, she would not be told otherwise. She ultimately died of heavy metal poisoning from ingestion.

Such a shame, but a woman with principle.

Recovery

I am exceedingly grateful Ms Zimmer is not here at the moment. I am not sure but I think I must have been suffering with some kind of heatstroke. I am having a rather putrid head. On the other hand, I have met up with my niece who found me and brought me to her home. It appears I may have been working under a misapprehension. It appears that she is merely on holiday out here and she, on questioning believes that she may have sent her communiqué under the influence of heatstroke. I do hope I did not put anything unexpected or untoward in my electronic mail. I shall communicate at sundown.

Good Samaritan

I have been looking for my niece this morning and have just broken my fast with a mixed fruit shake which the proprietor indicates is 'Very good, very good' and indeed it appears excellent with an unusual flavour. It is very refreshing though which is excellent in this climate. I feel most relAxed apart for the urgent search for my guru where I want to discuss my mystical realities and follow the yellow brick road clear to the emmerrraled sity which is flying past on the back of a ginat orange swan which has me in it's green beak and flying aand fllyyy. Where is the light. Love yoooooooooop Battttttyyy, BATTyy batbat.

Madness Ahoy!

I awoke again this morning and was shocked to find that I was again in a hammock and it was almost the middle of the day, I suppose I may be coming down with something.

I also appear to have eaten almost four pounds of Kendal Mint Cake.

And, it appears, tried to barbeque a dog on the balcony. There is evidence of sooting and my 'Jane’s Girls Guide to Life' book was firmly folded over to the chapter 'How to eat in the wild'. The dog is also looking at me rather reproachfully.

I do hope that I'm not going mad, again.

Lady in the Wild

As I’m sure you would put it, Chlamydia, I'm adventurous and not deterred by challenge but when I was called upon to rescue my niece from torment of Suncliff Prison in Thailand I immediately made arrangements, booked flights, cancelled the cat and had the papers put out. I sallied forth on a murky day in August and jetted to an uncertain destination. Sadly my niece's correspondence was a little incoherent. Apparently she is deprived of toilet paper and instead has some kind of water spray. Her letter also indicated other tortuous practices which I don’t care to mention. I will, however, say that she has to drink from buckets and had every joint in her body pulled apart. For this reason, I have travelled across continents to rescue her.

I arrived at the island neighbouring my destination and was surprised to be informed that there was no prison on Koh Phangan. There was an area called Suncliff near the main town of Haad Rin. Unfortunately the jet lag took its toll and after the herbal cigarette I was offered to calm my nerves I went right off to sleep. In a hammock as it turned out. Something I haven't done since I was in the Turkish Navy!

The jet-lag obviously was far more taxing than I thought as, when I awoke, it was just before 6 O'clock on the day after I had arrived. I hurriedly took my leave of the group who I had left the aeroplane with and headed for the boat. The crossing was uneventful and relatively inexpensive though my position near the engine was quite 'distracting' to both myself and the other female travellers. and after 45 minutes I disembarked into the frighteningly strange world of Koh Phangan. From what I could see, and the sun had just set by this stage, the main street seems to be very 'rural' in appearance in terms of construction though there are signs of concrete, Mr Macadam would be turning in his grave! The wiring along the streets seems to be a little inexpert with crackling and fizzing in progress which was more than a little disturbing not to say static inducing. I have found lodgings in an establishment just to the east of the main town which has barely serviceable sleeping arrangements and was able to Breville a cheese and ham toastie for me enabling me not to have to break into the bars of Kendal Mint Cake you had sequestered on my person before I left. Anyway it's quite late so I am going to rest with a cup of tea and some cake that a neighbour has kindly offered me.

The following is a flavour of Vitriol and Old Lace.

You can see more, if you are inclined at www.vitriolandoldlace.com. For those not in the know it involves the correspondence between two silver surfers who attempt to 'manage' a number of ladies in their charge. Maybe mitigate would be a better word....

Monsoon, Mosquitos and Migraines.

There are occasionally downsides to being out here. The first is the rainy season. Out on the islands this is not nearly so severe but can mean extra humidity and unsettled weather. The second is Mosquitos which are more prevalent during the rainy season. You can guard against them by taking extra Vitamin B supplements 2 weeks before traveling (which I didn't get the chance to do) and using insect repellent. However sometimes they stll munch when in the more jungley areas, for example, where my sisters bungalow is located. The final one is remembering to increase your water intake otherwise you tend to start getting headaches. I am currently recovering from one with a Papaya & Lemon shake and lots of water.

You like Arsenal?

Was the query at the bungalow where I'm staying. This was after I had been told by the Thai lady running the place had positively commented on my choice of atire and my use of colour and now the surprise that a British ferang wasn’t interested in football I think may have been a revelation. Of course if my hubby was out here we'd have been dancing on the tables but I'm more subtle. Lord knows I'm missing his energy and enthusiasm.

I'm alive

Well I'm here, finally on Koh Phangan in the town of Haad Rin. The weather is a bit variable as it's the rainy season here so there are thunderstorms at night but pretty much it's humid but OK. For a change I'm staying in the main town as my sister is there. It's an interesting place. Many of the benefits of a western town but without the health and safety. For me it's a refreshing change. For others it's a bit of a 'cleaning' of the gene pool with the people who can't understand that licking high voltage wires or riding mopeds while drunk ensure that they have no offspring.
The beach here is lovely and the Thai are charming as ever. I am missing my hubby though, probably more than you can imagine. We've been apart at most for a couple of days over the last four years so this is proving to be a real shock to the system!

Succubus Vs. Airbus

I like flying but after this trip my brain plainly fused as I got off the plane and the question 'What is the difference between a Succubus and an Airbus?' popped into it. Both interrupt your sleep, suck out your vitality and, in short, age and wither you. The differences are that Succubi generally involve sex in some way which despte many tacky illusions does not happen much on planes, that and the fact that you don't get a small tasteless meal from a Succubus every three hours.

Brothers of Mercy

Well here I am having rather hurried visit to Thailand to help and support my sister who's been having a bit of a time over there. So tickets bought, bags packed and focus completely mislaid. I've never had to do anything like this before at such short notice, or for that matter, had the resources to enable me to do it, but with my hubby in work now I feel that I can do it without our finances crashing down around our ears! Anyway, on with the Motley...

Ouzo Destructo!

Well here we are again. The first quiet weekend for ages. Most people would not credit the schedule we've had to face over the last few months. We've been to Turkey, Oslo, Bexhill and Brighton. We've attended four Pride festivals. We've had 3 birthdays, 2 parties, changes of work and Orlando starting work. Our friend and flatmate Bobby has been having an 'interesting' and rather full on time herself.

All in all I'm feeling a little burnt out and want to slump on the sofa like the Milk Tray woman, mashing boxes of chocolates with my podgy ring encrusted fist while watching unchallenging black and white movies.

I also feel like a major detox. The punch I made for the birthday parties, though surprisingly innocuous afterwards, I am sure who has dissolved my liver and wizened my kidneys so much that I can probably only healthily survive on grape juice and sadly I don't mean wine.

Or I could just piss the weekend away!

DRINK DRINK DRINK AND DRINK!

Well there seems to be another media outcry, this time directed at the change to the licencing laws. Apparently we will become people who spend every extended hour in the pub imbibing 3000 pints of gin before staggering forth, clubbing and copulating with the first object we come to, which will make the late night taxi trade become not only more dangerous but also much more unhygenic. Examples of this behavior have been taken fom every Brit holiday destination. Of course what they don't say is that without the restriction on opening hours there won't be the urge to binge and that the reason these holiday spots are so bad is because the sunseekers have been trained to line up 10 pints before closing time, which there never comes. It will be a few weeks before things settle but at least it won't mean everyone poured onto the street at the same time and does not mean that the landlord cannot refuse to serve someone who's too drunk. Better that we learn to grow up as a society rather than rely on mummy government to tell us when bedtime is. Or if there's so much of a problem why not make the stuff illegal for the under 50's?

And why (again) is the media trying to whip up a panic? Is it summer with not much news going on?

Oh... yes!

A funny thing happened on the way to the Elephant.

Well there I was, passing through the Elephant & Castle Shopping Centre casually minding everyones business and, as usual, being ever so horrified by the picture on the wall of one of the booths of Lil' Kim in a bikini squatting. Basically she was in a position that, in spite of the absence of any other figure in the picture, could only be described as coital. Anyway, there I was, horrified, and who should walk past but Jaqueline Pearce. Now many may not know the name but she played Servalan in Blakes' 7 and has done a number of other roles over the years. Suffice it to say she's fab and there she is briskly walking through the Center with a small suitcase and on the phone. I was tempted to stop her to say something but as I said she was on the phone. Oddly enough I saw Celia Imrie, late of Victoria Wood, looking rattled and laden outside Tesco a couple of months back and again I thought probably not the besttime to say anything. Shame though

Oh for Gods Sake!

See, I was saying about Big Brother and Craig and there he went and left and gosh he made himself no more likeable on the outside than he did inside!

And at least I don't get exposed to the bloody papers!

No relation of mine!

I have always been rather averse to reality TV particularly since there’s no such thing. It’s “Reality Like” TV or more honestly “Reality if everyone in the world was an amoralistic hedonistic egotist with the moral boundaries of a Malteaser and everyone was on camera. Particularly this year I have been avoiding Big Brother 2005 who rather like Bill Gates have turned from an edition number to a year. Now over the last few years the boundaries for this programme have shifted and flexed to the point of breaking. The obvious assumption from people who’ve never seen it is that there’s casual nudity and sexual content as this ‘depraved’ behaviour is apparently particularly disgusting. They would be wrong. The disturbing fact is that the extreme that people have gone to is aggression, bullying and violence. Last year we had some people who were so matched against each other that the Police had to be called. This year we have the worst examples of bullying and coercion with the Saskia/Maxwell gang who behaved like the worst children in the school ground – so much so that they even had a ‘whipping boy’ in Craig, someone who’s lack of self-perception is only matched by his desperate lack of depth. They proceeded to bully him into a subservient state so they could rely on his support and obedience. After they left, Craig revealed his obsession for Anthony who is heterosexual and not blind or deaf so therefore not interested in him. They have proceeded through various floods of tears (Craig’s) and some surprisingly restrained behaviour (Anthony) to argue over Craig’s demands, Craig’s petty jealousy and Craig’s apologies, which go something like this. “I’m sorry I hit you but I thought you were going to flip out about the glass I put in your food to prevent you talking to anyone else so I think I was fully justified in hitting you with a table leg and it was an accident so I think you should apologise for your complete overreaction!”

That kind of mentality worries me because it is completely obvious to everyone that the person is in the wrong but they would feel that they weren’t. Worse still is the fact that they’ll often be wrong because their reaction prevents the process called ‘Learning’.

And I want to slap him. But I fear I would have to join a queue.

It annoys me that the programme (which I hasten to add I rarely watch, mainly at the instigation of my partner) gets to me in such a fundamental way.
It makes me think that Doctor Who was right and that killing the evictees is the only way to end the madness. And clean the gene pool at the same time.

It's hard to be funny...when you have to be "clean"

I love Mae West. She used her brain in spite of her body. And surprisingly sharply too. The reason I mention her is because her type of woman seem curiously lacking on television these days, particularly on ITV. The usual suspects presented the news last night. One older or less attractive man, one nymphets who spent her time responding to the older, less attractive man and showing off her ribcage and a weather forecaster who should be a skinnier version of the nymphet. Seriously though, someone needs to get those girls some cream cakes. The weather girls are dangerously underweight with an overdose of make up and heads that wobble around when unsupported like a famine victim. Most of them cannot be considered attractive by men and many look like heavily made up brooms in wigs. It’s quite terrifying that ITV is so heavily pursuing the route taken by its American counterparts.

Its programmes are terrible too but you do get the feeling that it’s in someone’s portfolio as a ‘loss leader’ like value cereal. So cheap someone will buy it but also so bad that no one will really enjoy it. Sometimes when you flick through you imagine people slumped on their sofas watching
‘Family Celebrities Getting Us Out Of Wishing We Were Watching Coronation Street, Emmerdale and Heartbeat while being Framed in Naughty Blunders With Club Reps, Tricia and Trevor McDonald Tonight.”

It does get on my nerves because it could do so much better!

The Inert Child

London Radio had a piece on the fact that the majority of children in London spend less than 1 hour a day outside unsupervised. The rest of the time they are at home, in a car or at school.

When I was brought up I went out from a young age. I walked to Primary School that was over three miles away on my own or with friends. I played in a park about a mile from my house. My mother sent me to the shop to get things for her. I feel that the paranoia, and it is paranoia, about safety does mean that these children will never skin their knees, play on bikes etc. Maybe if more children went out there would be less chance of things happening particularly if some parents went along and supervised.

Most of this paranoia seems to be spread by the media who's obsession with the nightmare of the real world and all the murderers and terrorists does not seem to reflect the reality I see daily. Many people in London are polite, helpful, pleasant and most of the people who are not are mainly so through fear. If you don't talk to people, avoid eye contact you cause others to do the same. If your body language is closed so will that of those around you. No one reacts to anti-social behaviour. If everyone did it would be less prevalent. Reclaim your lives and your world people unless you want to stay inside for the rest of your lives with large locks on the door!

Nobody knows where my Johnny has gone.

A birthday is a wonderful thing. However sometimes it can be ever-so-slightly heart stopping, especcially when trying to organise a party particularly when coupled with my hubby’s bad back that meant that he was unexpectedly present during the day. Nonetheless Bobbie, Orlando in an invalid capacity and I did our best to clean and polish the flat. It was as I was doing this I was struck by the amount of crap that we accumulate over time. I found an old food processor, a broken liquidiser and no end of old take away menus.

Time to clear the crap!

Sunday, fuzzy sunday.

Here I am after a long and involved weekend. Saturday we spent with Rob and his aunt. Bless her, she is lovely and extremely paranoid about being parodied in Rob and my script and website at www.vitriolandoldlace.com. She shouldn't worry. I come from Bexhill where the vast majority of the population are over 60 and have more than enough material to last me several lifetimes. Despite the incipient paranoia the day was a delight, as always, as enough food to cause a blue whale to explode was paraded past us. We then had to leave for reasons of sanity and then had to discuss the intricacies of travelling from Loughborough Junction to Elephant & Castle with someone that the Network Rail helpline. A journey of one stop I might add which I was informed "didn't run today." I at that point indicated that I'd used the service to get to Loughborough Junction that day. The chap plainly insisted that it was impossible and I must be imagining it. I gave up at that point and called back for travel the following Saturday and the girl told me that the last train was 10.30. At least I knew I’d missed it, but how unhelpful was the first guy? Ah well, we whizzed home on the 35 and spent most of Sunday semi-conscious.

And now the week beckons.